Round Two: Deuxième Tour

It’s Time to Get Serious

As we enter Round 2 (also known as The Stanley Cup Playoff Conference Semi Finals) it’s time to check in and remind ourselves of proper beard maintenance.

First, I want to talk about that french tickler you’ve got growing on your upper lip.  This is a real Danger Zone for food particles, smell and overall grossness.  Remember, these follicles will end up in your mouth at times (yuck!).  Also, these hairs will absorb essential oils from your lips leaving them dry and cracked making Lip Balm a mustache ride’s best friend.  Cheese, milk and other dairy products will leave your upper lip smelling sour and generally disgusting.  These aromas may tend to waft up into your nose or just disgust anyone you come into contact with.  Thus, a good soap is necessary for keeping your whiskers perfumed and silky clean.

Second, if you’re a real manly man, general maintenance is probably becoming an issue at this point.  Remember, while some of us will just let that beard grow, others will want to exhibit a much more manicured product to the world (e.g. Single People).  Thus, we come to the age-old question of: when is it OK to drop a little maintenance on your beard.  Well, for those who chose to grow a particular pattern from the start of the playoffs (honor code here) they can feel free to maintain that puppy daily.  Others may encounter more gray area when attempting to clean up without damning your team to a second round sweep.  Most experts agree that after a loss (and we’re just talking a game here, not a series so no need to panic) you can go ahead and clean that puppy up as you desire.  Maybe go for a quick neck cleanup along with a quick trim on the unruly parts.  Making your beard length even will show a real team follicle effort.  This might inspire your team to pull their heads out of their asses and play with some MUSK.

Perhaps your team has lost two in a row (sorry San Jose) and you are desperate for some MoJo.  In this situation I would recommend changing the canvas.  If you have a full beard, drop it to a mustache (perhaps Handlebar style) or reduce it to Mutton Chops.  If you need some inspiration I would recommend quickly perusing the below style chart. The point is, your back is against the wall and how you look is not important.  Some idiots wear their hats inside out.  You just grow facial hair and understand it’s power in direct, proportional relation to your beloved hockey team.