Another season of hockey has come and gone. The Rangers once again made the Playoffs, defeated the Capitals to advance and then “collapsed slowly like a flan in the cupboard.” You, as fans, supported them from the first puck drop. Intensely watched each game. Each period. Each minute. Threw things at the wall. Broke furniture. Cried. Forgot to shower. Called out sick. Ruined friendships in favor of hockey. Ruined relationships in favor of hockey. But ultimately, you grew a big, stinky beard to support the team you love. And that team let you down, once again, by losing in almost embarrassing fashion.
The results are in, and although the contest appears to have been RIGGED by Nasty, it was yet another successful endeavor in the world of Boneheads growing beards. Much thanks to Carp for putting up with all this. Much thanks to Sally for letting me temporarily take over her duties as Lord of the Beard. If you haven’t had a chance to check out the beard contest pictures, both before and after, you can do so here.
This year, in my role as Temporary/Provisional Acting Lord of the Beard I chose to hand out three awards to three separate Boneheads. While all the entries brought me to tears (the good kind) with their beauty and dedication to the cause, I don’t have enough money/time to award everyone at the level which they deserve.
WINNER of the The 4th Sometimes-Annual, 2012-2013, Lockout Shortened, Paul Mara Playoff Beard Contest is, Nasty. He may not have had the best beard. He may not have had the best entry. He may not have even made the best effort. But Nasty understands American Capitalism at its best. He used his devastating good looks to get people (presumably women) to come to the website and vote for him. Which they did. In droves. As CCCP would say, he RIGGED the contest. So, for the second straight year, Nasty is your champion. All Boneheads must now bow down to his follicle eliteness.
The Second prize, devised entirely for this contest, is Grossest Entry Ever. I don’t think many people looked at this entry without hurling the bits of their most recently eaten meal (hard to tell which meal with people like Fat Guy) all over their computer, iPhone, iPad, Palm Pilot or other technologically superior device. So, the winner of Grossest Entry Ever is, without a doubt, Gravy.
The Third prize, also devised by me in my role as Temporary/Provisional Acting Lord of the Beard will henceforth be known as The Sally. This award is given out to the Bonehead that I choose based on no other factor than who I currently like a lot. This award is not Rigged but it is completely unfair, biased and random. This year, I choose to do a barrel roll and fire the award to the one and only, Latona (a/k/a Llatona, Llatonaardvark).
Summary for the Lazy Boneheads
Grossest Entry Ever: Gravy
“The Sally” (award randomly awarded to a Bonehead of my choosing whom I just like): Latona/Llatona/Llatonaardvark
If you see your name above, well, Cogratulations, Mazel Tov, Felicitaciones, Gong Xi, Gelukwens, Mubarak Ho, Badhai Ho and Glückwünsche you won a prize. Please e-mail me your personal information (Name, DOB, Social Security Number, Address, Measurements and list of current illnesses) at the official contest e-mail: email@example.com
Special “shoutouts” to everyone who competed: Carp (who showed his true colors), NYR-Fan (Vibin’ forever), LW3H (the sun never sets on his internet empire), Wicky (please don’t shoot me), CCCP (please don’t beat me up), Sioux-Per-Man (kick butt at the WSOP, brother!), Ilb (blog captain and resident medical expert), Paul (CCCP’s nephew who we know nothing about), Doodie (who is a large, large man), Papa Bear (who is smooth as a baby’s bottom), Sally (who essentially threw in the towel much like the Rangers) and @hockeyandthefam and Fun Dad, who I don’t think post often or ever but hung out nonetheless.
Official Contest comment thread can be found here.